Understanding Your Partner’s Attachment Style Helps Difuse Conflict And Increase Intimacy.
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. The key is having the tools to navigate triggers as they arise and efficiently repair ruptures in your connection. What I have found in my twenty years as an Intimacy Coach is that having an understanding of your own and your partner’s attachment styles makes all the difference in successfully quelling emotional triggers. The critical perspective that attachment brings to relationship dynamics has been a game-changer for my clients. Here’s one example of the difference the lens of attachment made in de-escalating the rupture in a client’s relationship.
From Honeymoon to Rupture
I had a session with a client who three months ago was elated that she had finally found “her guy”… the one with whom she could actually be herself, felt emotionally met, and had amazing chemistry.
Now they were in rupture.
She was seriously questioning her judgment. Had she made a bad choice?
She explained to me that she was in the middle of a month of intensely long hours working around the clock on a big project at work. She had warned him ahead of time that she wouldn’t have much availability during this project. She was barely sleeping or taking care of her own needs, let alone had anything left to give to him.
She lamented that “he may be the most selfish person I’ve met!”
Instead of stepping up to the plate to offer support, bring her meals, or any of the other things she would do for him if the tables were reversed, …
He was complaining that he wasn’t getting enough quality attention from her.
When she would compassionately explain again exactly what she’s available for, and what she’s not (until after the project deadline), he would withdraw and put up a wall.
Now not only did she have the stress from work to deal with, but also the emotional stress of rupture in her new relationship!
Seeing Through The Lens of Attachment Styles
Explaining that his behavior was typical of his attachment adaptation helped her see…
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That he was not actually a selfish person, but that his survival mechanism was activated.
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That she didn’t have to take his actions so personally.
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That she didn’t have to play out her early childhood patterns with her mother with him. That she could have agency to respond differently.
I then equipped her with strategies to help regulate her own nervous system, AND things she could do to help quell his attachment anxiety.
Can You Relate?
Think of a time when your partner did something – or didn’t do something – that set you off. In a nanosecond you’re flooded with judgements of them or yourself. Your reptilian brain takes over. You’re in survival mode. You either lash out with criticism or defensiveness, or withdraw and throw up your protective wall. Now your partner’s survival mechanism is activated, and they react. The situation escalates.
Even if you take some space to cool down, you keep replaying the scene in your head, and the emotions continue to churn within you.
You’re not sure how to resolve the conflict, and either get increasingly antagonistic or increasingly distant. You’re at a stalemate. You want closeness and connection, but it doesn’t feel safe.
Maybe you sweep it under the rug and carry on as if nothing happened.
But you find that lump of resentments under the rug growing. You become more and more critical, discontented and sensitive to misattunements. The unease is building. And the trust and intimacy is diminishing. The foundation of your connection is eroding out from under you.
A Pathway Towards Greater Understanding, Compassion and Attunement
Now, imagine that you had the clear understanding of why your partner did – or didn’t do – that thing that set you off. Not the superficial why: the circumstances and excuses of the moment. But the deep down heart of the why: their core unconscious wiring – the programming for relating that got installed early in their life from their interactions with their family of origin.
After you’ve cooled down and reflected on the interaction, you realize that the argument is not really about taking out the garbage, but about your partner’s deep-seated need for respect. You realize that you don’t need to take it personally. And a sense of compassion and care wells up in you towards your partner.
You come towards them with lovingkindness, and reassure them that they matter. They feel your heart, let their defenses down, and receive you. The care and love between you is palpable. You kiss tenderly. You feel closer than before.
You are fortifying the foundation of your trust and intimacy.
Understanding Your Attachment Styles
Can you see how understanding your attachment style and that of your partner could help you both have greater perspective of your triggers and defense strategies?
And how having specific strategies for mitigating the triggers could be so useful in repairing ruptures in your connection and strengthening your bond?
Gain access to this valuable framework – and specific trigger mitigation techniques for each attachment style – in the adult attachment online training…